Wall Street Week in Review

Gee, I guess spending 500 billion USD is worth never having to listen to a master of the universe tell me about the religion of the free market again.

Colbert Speech Stolen

St. Paul, Minnesota--
RNC officials refused comment this afternoon after an unnamed official indicated that the speech Sarah Palin gave last night was purloined from Steven Colbert. Colbert was said to be furious, noting that he had written the speech assuming that he would deliver it. “I was especially looking forward to talking about children other than mine,” he said, over the cup of daily dishwater he drinks to create a bond with John McCain.

As of this writing, it is not clear exactly how Palin got a copy of Colbert's speech nor why she delivered it. GOP viewers thought it was a masterstroke. Debbi “SUV Luv” Shegonigle, echoing many other delegates, said, “I think it's great having a real person deliver a fictional speech from a fictional character. Take that, reality!” Democrats were thrown off guard, as they had apparently expected a real speech. One tearful Obama supporter issued a plea: “Come back, Stephen! We'll organize a protest to put you on premium cable!”

Colbert, meanwhile, has indicated that he might be agreeable to working with the GOP despite the mishap. “If I become the official Repor,” he said, using the correct pronunciation, “and if they give me royalties on ANWR, then I think we can have something to talk about. Otherwise, those new digs in Alpine are just not enough. After all, I could be a fake Democrat too, though that would be more work. But I could pretend to pal around with Bruuuuuuuce. How cool would that be? Ball's in your court, GOP.”

Peace and Thinking: Perfect Apart

A new amendment to the U.S. constitution:

No invasion of a country by the U.S. shall be authorized unless 95% of the voting population of the U.S. can correctly locate the country on a map.

Ken Lay to Replace Wolfowitz

Inspired choice, I'd say. Can't ask for better loyalty: "tell no tales" and all that. Repeated attempts to reach Lay for comment were unsuccessful

Torture is Good

I arbitrarily give ten reasons why torture is good. Why ten? If I answered that, then it wouldn't be arbitrary, would it?

1. No more lawsuits claiming mistreatment. Frees up the legal system for those vital to the republic tort and contract suits.
2. If you play "war" you get to waterboard the fat kid. How cool is that?
3. Enables you to tip green card holders less.
4. I can have all of my exes declared enemy combatants.
5. No trials. Court personnel can get jobs with Judge Judy.
6. Military judges have way better uniforms.
7. National suggestion box for torture methods. Sorry, can't tell you where it is.
8. The US finally gets to build its own Star Chamber. About time.
9. Torture and tomatoes are now both vegetables. Organic, too.
10. If you know this one, then ask yourself if you're an enemy combatant.

I love blogs; blogs love me

Sadly, a few holdouts are ruining it for the rest of us. I refer, of course, to those sad souls who blog about....stuff. Don't they know that the highest and best use of blogs is to blog about blogs? And within that, of course, are blogs that blog about themselves! Like this one! It's good to be me!

And the rest of you? Consider yourselves on notice.

$%^%$##!

Where are those %^&*%$! bots when you need em? At this rate I'll have to write my own spam.

Damn.