Torture is Good

I arbitrarily give ten reasons why torture is good. Why ten? If I answered that, then it wouldn't be arbitrary, would it?

1. No more lawsuits claiming mistreatment. Frees up the legal system for those vital to the republic tort and contract suits.
2. If you play "war" you get to waterboard the fat kid. How cool is that?
3. Enables you to tip green card holders less.
4. I can have all of my exes declared enemy combatants.
5. No trials. Court personnel can get jobs with Judge Judy.
6. Military judges have way better uniforms.
7. National suggestion box for torture methods. Sorry, can't tell you where it is.
8. The US finally gets to build its own Star Chamber. About time.
9. Torture and tomatoes are now both vegetables. Organic, too.
10. If you know this one, then ask yourself if you're an enemy combatant.